Well it certainly feels like the end. Whilst I don’t want to bring down the mood in the first chapter I have ever written, it seems only proper to start with the event that made me start writing, when for years I haven’t got past “thinking about doing it”.
I am sad. I am sad because my Fiancé is not my Fiancé anymore. And I don’t mean I am suddenly filled with regret that I have just bound myself to one person for the rest of my life in the most expensive way thinkable. I mean I have been informed by the person I love most in the world that the feeling is no longer mutual.
I’m given to understand that this is something which the vast majority of us experience at least once in our lives. It’s a time when we wish we weren’t afflicted with the burden of emotion. Yet ironically it is when emotion decides to wake from its “lets take it for granted” stupor and slap us repeatedly and unyieldingly around the face for a sustained amount of time. We also don’t know how to make this heart destroying pain stop. We sit and dwell on it, we try to distract ourselves from it and we try (and fail) to ignore it.
But we’re not the only ones who don’t know how to make it better. We talk to friends or family about it, then instantly regret it. This is because within seconds we have been bombarded with infuriating clichés like “its probably for the best”, whatever will be will be” and perhaps worst of all “everything happens for a reason”.
“NO!” You want to scream in their face, “what possible reason could there be for depriving me of this perfect person?! What could I have done in my past or present lives to deserve such debilitating and devastating pain!?” But you don’t, and that is because as much as you don’t want to hear it at the time, you know they’re trying to help. You know they’re trying to show you that they are there to offer their support through this horrendous time, and you know deep down that they are probably fucking right…
I implore you, don’t tell them they have no idea (9 times out of 10, they probably do), don’t push them away and, as much as possible, try not to punch them. You’re going to need them.
As I write, the passing of my relationship is just shy of a week old and being “over it” couldn’t feel further away. However in the last 24 hours, I have managed a full nights sleep & started eating again, I have also found myself able to concentrate sometimes. I don’t believe in karma or fate, but I still feel like I am being punished for some terrible mis-deed which I cant quite remember, but I am also starting to be grateful for the amazing times we had together.
Hollywood shows us that immediately before we die, our lives flash before our eyes. As a relationship dies, the reasons you were together, almost mockingly, do the same. But we shouldn’t be saddened by this, it’s a reminder of some incredible parts of our lives. I say this feels like the end, and it is, its the end of life as I know it. But all that means is the start of a life that I don’t know yet, which I should see as an opportunity to make the most of. Whilst I can’t see that yet and can’t comprehend the awful thing pulsating through me at the moment, I am beginning to realise that it’s probably for the best, whatever will be will be and everything happens for a reason.